I just wrote this one my bb…got up to post it on the blog…very nervous cuz it is really naked, may offend some, may hurt others, but it is the truth, I relish living in truth, it is most free. My vision is blurred right now..not sure why but I hope it goes away soon…hence if there are spelling or other errors…bear with me,
The first girl I fell in love with, was a ride or die drop dead gorgeous chick who was in love with me. So for all my other associations, like a dangerous addiction, I kept farming for that experience, the one like my first. Where I genuinely loved everything about her; how strong she was, how resourceful and purposed were her actions, how she loved and took care of me, despite my frivolities…and she was beautiful, her smile would light up every room…only me understanding what it meant when her eyes twinkled, or when she tapped her right knee. Our jokes didnt have to be said because we truly understood each other and she was beautiful…took my breath away on a regular basis, she would laugh and poke jokes at my jealous and irrational nuances, and I loved her everyday. Best of all….she either love me more or at least the same way…and I dared not poke jokes at her jealous and ridiculously unnecessary irrational nuances…cuz she is known to be plain old crazy
(The song playing on my phone is A woman’s worth by maxwell, you should listen to it 🙂
I’ve been searching for ‘her’ since then. My soul leading my body in an attempt to get back to that space fully. I have met beautiful and crazy who loved me but something was missing…she was not chill enough…had a lil overdose on crazy. I’ve met resourceful, beautiful and chill with no crazy, and then I have met chill, a lot of chill void of everything else and I lost my mind because I felt this feeling. I believed it was there, maybe I just wanted it to be too bad and her arms felt like the ones I wanted to spend forever in…plus I could kiss her forever, my lips never feeling dry or tired, sensations hitting me like boulders and she could make me super wet and delirious with just one kiss…and I could kiss her forever…delirious and mad. It wasn’t easy giving up my heart, but the sex was magical without any boundaries and she gave herself to me totally and at that point, perhaps more than I ever saw, so I craved to fuck her, to be inside her…to see the look she had in her eyes when she was staring at me, gladly delivering tiny electric shocks starting where pink would be.then all over. My drug was her in these moments of ecstasy where her nails dug into my skin…or she moaned in my pussy appreciating it a lil too much, she knew my body inside out (smile), she opened me up, and my fighting it or debating it was a non-issue, cuz she opened me up from the first day. I could’ve sworn this was it, she gave me high voltage blackouts not electric shocks. I could see forever with her…
Like a natural sin…I cant help but dream of drop dead gorgeous resourceful, ambitious, emotionally available, fun-loving, passionate, great sex and totally in love with me…as I AM..with all my frivolities.