Christmas is coming around the corner, closer to the start of a new year, closer to ‘the end of the world – December 21)’, lots of events, celebrations, birthdays (yes am plugging my own :D). Family time, church and a general ease, miraculously finds its way in through December (that’s why its the best month :), thank you).
The year 2012 has been beyond tumultuous for me and am sure for many other people in perhaps different, and even more intense ways. Break-ups, make-ups to break-up again, people lost their jobs, lost family members and friends, opportunities where ‘If I had just’ haunt because we didn’t at all. The economy got real bad, people got sick, some lost their minds.
At the end of the year…will we have achieved in any form what we set out to achieve? Did we even ‘set out’, or did we just roll with the punches? The associations that were formed, are they associations that will grow us? The associations that we lost, was it worth it, did we lose, gain or retain with that loss?
2012 was a pivotal year for me. I lost everything and found myself in some strange places. I lost whatever was left of my self-esteem and felt lower than dirt, the image I saw in the mirror was not the one I contended with on the inside. I lost my relationship and found myself in desperation, wanting so bad to keep it, as it was the closest thing to anything I have ever ‘had’. I lost money, lost my dream job and lost my dream passion, The Oasis Lounge, and found dependence, hunger, need and all the pain and humiliation that goes with it. I lost ‘friends’, whose words and actions, wounded me the deepest, as I never broached having ‘close friends/parries ever’, this was the first time, and it was disappointing to say the least. When I lost friends, I found myself in a place of loneliness and disbelief, anger and resentment…hate. I have never ever felt some of the emotions I did. I also lost my crave for her attention, and found myself being wanted and catered to, I stopped begging and started accepting attention and pleasure from another source and it felt good, I was being catered to, efforts made just for me, passions directed at me, letters and notes, gifts and stares. The spaces of pain seemed to cover me entirely and at that point I found my best friend, my mother.
2012 was a pivotal year, at the end if it, I am very happy and proud of myself, despite the fact that many of those feelings and situations still pertain, I am extremely happy, I have realised I am stronger than I think I am; I no longer remain in an ounce of discomfort to please a soul; I know for sure what pleases me and will accept nothing less, I have less hang ups about losing anything, and so have more control over my contribution to keep anything going. There are things that make me blush and give me butterflies, I have loves, some I feel will last a long time, some I am sure will last for eternity.
I am ready for the future.