Sometimes, I don’t know whether to get bored with the monotony that is experienced in the constant, almost expected erratic nature of life, or to just immerse myself in all the excitement of living. Perhaps, I am tired of its predictable unpredictability, the sharp spiked eurphoric highs that leave what feels like magic tinkling at the ends of my extremities, or the deep dark hollow lows filled with black cold water which are my tears.
Not perhaps. I am tired, and after experiencing similar things with almost increasing intensity each time…it takes an inexpressible toll on all ally’s, physicALLY, mentALLY, emotionALLY, financiALLY, and most important and detrimental, famALLY. During my own personal trials and despite my self-discriminating nature preventing me from accepting my family’s attention, they are always there when I think my back is against a wall, and all I am left with are friends who have become enemies.
I have had it so common, at times I wonder if I am the only one who keeps tumbling through highs that become lows, and hate that was once pure love; or is it that I am just dumbed, cursed or bad lucked. I don’t doubt that philosophically one will say, this is how it is. I disagree, and I do so vehemently…this is not how it is, THIS IS NOT HOW IT SHOULD BE. Pain should teach and so your next experience is better, not worse than your last. You shouldn’t have started out at the peak to be grazed, torn and chopped…eventually to the ground. If you are travelling down a rugged road, with animals tearing at the car’s door, the further you drive, the more it seems you are trudging on the off-beat track…at what point do you just STOP and maneuver a round-about-turn to head back, when does it become obvious that despite hopes in your heart…you are NOT on the right track.
However it is, I reiterate, I am tired, my mind seems not to be able to forget and forgive as easily anymore; instead of forgiveness, love and light, I try to pray away vindictiveness, hate and the haunting desire to fight. The period to ‘get back on my feet’ seem to take longer to come around…leaving me to mull over these feelings, driving the reality all the way to the ground…ground zero…long and wounding. Ground zero had me praying to break out of my skin…the pain of the constant wounding, made me numb, I could not longer sit in it, it felt uncomfortable and no longer a welcoming space for me. I made up my mind to turn the vehicle back…this treacherous off-the-beaten track ride, had done enough damage to my ALLY’s, and I collected my prize, something physical to remind me for lifetime…yup, I am sure, I cannot take anymore. Its been 4 months and its one of the most encompassingly good feeling I have ever had…no sharp spikes of euphoria, but no deadly hollowed lows either…its sweet with a the right amount of bitter, some tears but a whole lot more laughter. It makes me smile, even if I try hard to maintain anger. Its LOVE again…and its ok, cuz this time I will only take what I have decided I am going after. Lack of a need can kill you, taking what YOU want, can only grow you.