2012 is rushing to a close, finish lines drawn at midnight tonight and many of us will be out partying, some, like me will be going to church with family (*bites nails nervously*), some will be wrapped up in the arms of their lover (hopefully with both partners equally willing) with a bottle of champagne to pop. Wherever you find yourself, whether in life or death 2012 WILL come to an end in a few hours. It is not unusual for the usual personal checks and new year’s resolutions to start swirling through our minds, whether we openly admit or not. The nature of the human is the desire for growth and change, being better than we were before and a new year brings all the renewed hopes, or lets say it should.
I’ve lived enough lives to know with each new year that we really have no clue what to expect, nor, unfortunately are we able to determine many of the circumstances we find ourselves in. Our only responsibility is to be REAL. I have noted with interest how we push the words ‘real’ and ‘fake’ around, slapping it onto people without knowing their circumstances, almost as though being ‘real’ is a great medal of honour and being ‘fake’ necessitates another inqusition and witch-hunt, used to debase people, at least the ones who are fake enought to give a hoot about public opinion.
I realise I like to ask a lot of questions but…
What is Fake/Real?
How important is public opinion?
How accurate is public opinion?
If we appreciate that it is the individual space that makes up the big whole then we would understand that a focus on the big whole without or preceding a focus on the individual space is dangerous misdirected attention, and that is fake? By further reasoning, if we continue to not focus on ourselves first, and focus on the outside, then the whole outside will also be fake, as it birth or where it springs from is unreal. It so happens that so many of our social and cultural norms and expectations require that we adhere to the big whole and its rules, shelving ‘the individual’ and by extension requiring us to be fake.
Dillemma? hmmmm..u think?
2012 was a very difficult year for me personally. The yellow brick road was filled with tricks and potholes, feigned hopes, smashed dreams, lost loves which nearly drove me crazy, broken hearts and bones. I still get teary eyed when I think about the chaos that was 2012, and sometimes I just bawl.
Pain changes people, it makes you uncomfortable and restless and your primary desire becomes to escape. Pain can grow you or you it can kill you. The common denominator is YOU, the individual. I have struggled with this concept in the last year, despite being such a people motivator in the past, I found it deathly impossible to motivate myself…FAKE? Perhaps. As I conduct my own personal evaluations, I wondered how is it, that I can or could have been instrumental in making so many people feel good about themselves, been able to provide counseling to couples, hook up people in some very successful relationships and yet still my own was falling apart. FAKE? Perhaps.
I have to admit that I have been fake. For years, instead of believing I deserved to be happy, I set out to make everyone else happy, Fakely finding my own happiness in another person’s smile and joy, instead of focusing on generating my own, for me and from me, authentically and not based on any one else. My own relationship fell apart as I didnt have the strength to insist on the circumstances I needed to feel a valued member of the relationship, I just worked with it.
I am a lil slow, but I have committed to following my own ‘feel good compass’, I have recommitted myself to being real, placing the individual self above anything else. The reality is, it is only when YOU are at peace with self that YOU will attract circumstances that will grow YOU.
I have learnt a whole lot in 2012 and I just hope I can remember these lessons.
“The survival of the fittest is the ageless law of nature, but the fittest are rarely the strong. The fittest are those endowed with the qualifications for adaptation, the ability to accept the inevitable and conform to the unavoidable, to harmonize with existing or changing conditions.”
2012 taught me that: Fears are real, pain is real, survival is critical, self-love paramount.
I have started dating again…way out the park. I am happy most times and with the very little things. Teaching myself that I deserve to be happy, reminding myself constantly to pay attention to my ‘happy compass’. I am grateful for all the experiences I had in 2012 and the people that walked in and out of my life. I am grateful for the ones that brought me to my knees in pain and tears, as it allowed me to see how fit I am; the people who brought out my anger and rage, I thank you too, as I have realised being nice can be very fake, being nice plays to the big picture. I give thanks to the love I lost, I now know how I need to be loved. I give thanks to the special guy in my life, yes a guy, who is showing me that gender is not necessarily on the list of most important things and that there are really no fundamental differences between men and women. Life is a journey.
To all my readers, I wish for you realness in 2013, there is so much fake out there, don’t pay any attention to that, just focus on your world within.