I started this blog with the noble intention of sharing my experiences…one my core fundamental beliefs is honesty. I swear that if people were more transparent we would be alot further as humanity…our development is actually retarded when social norms require dishonesty in many ways. I am certainly not positing that I have always been honest, and if you feel like that…let me declare… I am not!
As my life got more interesting my desire to share dwindled…yes I still believe that sharing my experiences may be able to comfort, guide or motivate someone who can identify with what I am going/have gone through. However, sometimes the situations were too real and too painful for me to make sense of, I was sure that I was perhaps making some nutsy mistakes….AGAIN. Feared that after a certain amount of ‘get out of jail free’ cards I was bound to be sent to jail, and this time around, I wont be saved by the bell or some divine intervention that I became forever indebted to the ‘divine’ for.
It is funny how destiny will always find you and nab you in the ass, and when I say destiny, I am unsure exactly what I mean, it could also be Karma or Badluck, Saltness or even Obeah…it could be anything, but it certainly will seem like something abnormal. Many moments of WHAT THA PHUCK!!!??? I have a few of those. First off, I had no intention of falling in love with a man just like the one that broke my mother’s heart – my father. But I did, I ran for years and years hiding under different skirt tails, although I never met anyone like him, I steered clear of anyone potential like him. I ran for years and years until I ran straight into him. Heading down the lonely pained road of my mother’s life. She never stood up for herself, never demanded only accepted. She didn’t believe she deserved much based on her history, the life she was born into…her previous mistakes. She never experienced love, although she had dreams of what it would be like hough she never even loved herself, she never really felt she deserved it, so she never insisted on it.
Thank God my mother made sure to show me what I deserved day in day out and sustainably so. Because of that I can stand up for myself, I can understand what I deserve and what I will not allow. I didn’t plan to fall in love with a man that is like my father, but I did, and I am grateful for the experience because now I understand how to love myself and despite how much you want to direct your own life, learning to love yourself is critical for good growth.