I think I’m finally there. I think I have finally given up. Laying here, forced into rest…I decide to let go and listen to all the songs with haunting memories of my various broken hearts and punctured memories. I let them wash over me…finally… Allowing these ghosts their haunts. I realise now that there was truly so much pain…so good am I in locking them out and appearing to move on by removing them far from my reality with drastic adjunct crazy acts.
Some may consider it bravery but in fact it is profound cowardice…yellow belly fear of feeling, loving…being human…hurting. As I rested, listened music I liked…played with the love of my life…i realised on another dimension….i am not who i was, i can no longer be who i am. I love her…without a way to turn back.
I am feeling this sweet peace. I want you to feel it too….this sweet cool peace. I think I’ve finally given up. I’ve felt enough of that pain at your hands, burned by the way you handle my heart. My cheeks no longer need the hot lava of my tears screaming: I told you so’s and I should’ve knowns.
I’ve given up and its good. Like the plateau you hit when sailing is smooth, the perfect moment when everything is right, a magical moment. I get it now…sometimes you have to just surrender. Love what you love…do what you do…find your peace and your path as is in inside you. I give up, but I wont be nobody’s fool. I am fierce, courageous and loved, I am mommy.