Have the Courage to Believe

This morning as I hurried to catch my Executive Bus to work (I classified the transport because… 🙂 ), I saw a rasta man close in on me…being the competitive wench I am, I was darned if I were about to let this old man beat me to the end of the street.  His locs were gray but a staunch distraction from the youthful look in his face and his steps.   I quickly announced that there was no way he was gonna beat me in this race…lest he started wondering why I kept glancing at him and was out of breath…as the race led on.  He casually chomped on his raw cucumbers, as my feet argued and complained about this another fruitless distress I was putting myself through to win an imaginary race.

He looked at me and smiled, then remarked…’oooh you making a baby deh man’ and in that instant, I was shocked.  ‘You know you so right’, I responded…this is the seventh month of my pregnancy, and as his words landed on my consciousness…I remembered, I was making a boy…making a man. Everything I said, thought, felt, read, heard, ate, how I slept, how many draws I took, everything was contributing to making this human being growing and moving inside me, soooo actively might I add.  In that instant, I was stunned, brought back to reality when this rasta angel said…’dawta, is a blessing’, take care…but me aguh leave yuh now’, and with that he was gone…all the kill me a kill up me self, di man just glide on past me.  Leaving me in my stupor, I was making a man…a gentleman.

My encounter this morning made me conscious of the process of pregnancy, life and choices above the biological, physical and even emotional rhetoric.  Yes I am 30 weeks today and the baby is the size of a cabbage and weighs almost 3 pounds, my timelines are flooded with cute baby boy things as google understands what I want to see, sleeping is a mess and my doctors visits are bi-weekly.  I literally sneer at people to not touch my stomach and I am always tired and thirsty.  There is the other part to making a baby that I have not been focusing on in spite of many reminders sent to me from beyond it seems, randomly but clear…’you are making a baby.’…’this human is of your intention,’ ‘you have a role to play.’

I have always wanted a boy, way back before I never ever thought of having children and imagined adopting, it would be a boy.  I wasn’t ever into anything female save for humans, my toys were male, my teddies were all male, my pets were male.  I just loved boys.  So I would talk about the outfits and hairstyles I would put my lil dapper one in, how he’d have respect, honour and integrity and know for sure how to treat women well.  I got excited thinking about the challenge or raising a boy to a man.  When I got pregnant with my first child, I wanted a boy…boys are known to love their mamas and I wanted that love for me and me alone.  All along I was told I was having a boy until the 8th month…she decided to show herself one last time…and where the penis was, was supposedly replaced by a vagina and my heart sank to the ground so bad I couldn’t even come up with a name for her.  In the hospital a member of my clan…gave me two choices, Madison or McKenzie and I chose Madison, and eventhough I never liked girls, this princess has stolen my heart, and I am still working through the glitter and the pink, and the attitude but in every milisecond, it brings me joy.

Madison ushered in the experience of happiness, and self-love in the midst of some critical painful situations.  I am so grateful to have experienced being a mother, and I will say it is one of the most life-changing amazing feelings ever.  I would do it again…and wanted to do it again.  This time I wanted a boy.  I am grateful that my wishes have been granted, and this baby Amir deZyon, is already teaching me the courage to believe.

It takes a lot of courage to believe.  Believing is projecting without doubt that what you want you will have and that takes some serious bravery.  What if you don’t get it…this time or this way…and are forced to experience the shame whether publicly or even privately that what you thought would be isn’t, and perhaps that you are crazy. It takes courage to believe in yourself, in your relationship, in your children, but it is definitely worth going for.  Have the Courage to Believe!!!

 

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