Take care

​The meditation.
We have to take care of ourselves. Ourselves outlast family and fake friends…highs and lows…wins and losses….life and deaths. 
We have to take care of ourselves and first.
I was told this in the past by many angels passing thru my life…I didn’t understand what it meant…couldn’t fathom how it could be that I should first love me, and on my journeys from lives to deaths…through losses and wins and ofcourse the many fake friends….it took me a really really ridiculously longtime to see that at first it’s critical that I take care of me. 
So this morning I looked at myself in the mirror and came to the realization that I really love me. As I am alone with no distractions no one or thing needing my attention or inspiration..  I began to talk to me.  We’ve been through some raas, you and me, but there’s no way can I deny how much I love me. Perhaps I feel like I still need to give reverence to the girl who cared too much about everyone’s circumstances and dreams while really and truly right now I am a woman who only cares about herself and my family. 
Don’t feel too bad if I don’t listen to your trauma or don’t come with my shoulder to cry on. When you are at worst and I ignore your calls please understand I have nothing to offer you at all. Don’t call me when you are blue…I’ll have nothing that makes sense to say to you. Call me when you have figured your way through…call me so we can review the battleground get through another round to win and gain…do not call me with pain…call me when you have found the will to fight again.  Because that’s where I’m at. 
We have to care of ourselves so we can win.. grow…gain.

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A woman’s shame

I’ve felt my mother’s pain 

Borne my mother’s shame

Stood beside her as she held her shoulders high while whispering to me to do the same.

From that perspective I painfully realised that there are just some paths a woman cannot deny…and although this same path i tried to avoid…it found me anyway holding me ransom for life.

I thought by will I could escape the same fate I saw my mother n other women face.  not the weight of the 50 pounds I gained for the 9 months I bore to see the 8lbs 4oz of her…but the despair I saw in their eyes…the way they watered beneath their evolved crust. the way some smiled and tried to keep their children together all the time behind closed doors crying, the magic of love…the beauty of trust…absent…there for an opaque moment like billows of smoke…slowing dissipating…vanishing as if it were your imagination.

Confused not sure who to hate or who to blame…I find myself behind closed doors crying again and again…one year..two years…3 years…four…the pain is as strong as it was the day before. no aspirin no pain killa no other nigga can erase the history of your face…ur lies…the disgrace.  I often wonder what it will take. how do I manage this juxtaposed hate.  

I love my daughter but I curse the day he was born 

A thief of the most destructive kind. 

Stealing My innocence…my fairytale…my family…my attempt at exemplary motherhood. 

I’ve come

I think I’m finally there. I think I have finally given up. Laying here, forced into rest…I decide to let go and listen to all the songs with haunting memories of my various broken hearts and punctured memories. I let them wash over me…finally… Allowing these ghosts their haunts. I realise now that there was truly so much pain…so good am I in locking them out and appearing to move on by removing them far from my reality with drastic adjunct crazy acts.

Some may consider it bravery but in fact it is profound cowardice…yellow belly fear of feeling, loving…being human…hurting. As I rested, listened music I liked…played with the love of my life…i realised on another dimension….i am not who i was, i can no longer be who i am. I love her…without a way to turn back.  

I am feeling this sweet peace. I want you to feel it too….this sweet cool peace. I think I’ve finally given up. I’ve felt enough of that pain at your hands, burned by the way you handle my heart.  My cheeks no longer need the  hot lava of my tears screaming: I told you so’s and I should’ve knowns.

I’ve given up and its good. Like the plateau you hit when sailing is smooth,  the perfect moment when everything is right, a magical moment.  I get it now…sometimes you have to just surrender.  Love what you love…do what you do…find your peace and your path as is in inside you.   I give up, but I wont be nobody’s fool. I am fierce, courageous and loved, I am mommy.

Let me love you

Each time our souls meet…it feels like home…I hug and hold you, feeling your pain, listening to your memories. All the time wondering how you did it….truly the kind of superman you are to me. Still be sane after feeling so much pain. I preempt your fear. I hold you through it. Listening to it pumping through your veins…I understand it because its now almost driving me insane…my own pain…pushing through my own veins. Let me hold you…please, promise to hold me too…and be true
Imagine that through our pain, if we hold each other tight enough with nothing but pure love, long enough, strong enough… We may make magic, and figure the chemical composition of joy…figure how to heal…love would be real…again.

This kinda love.

It’s Tuesday. Work was inspiring. Desperate but simple wishes were granted, my daughter was overjoyed to see me, and my home was filled with warm, loving and supporting family and friends.  My niece is not feeling herself, and my dreamy dialogue under the stars of millions and life is interrupted by screams of pain from my niece.
Its awful. Madison is asleep and as I take turns at comforting my niece. I am confounded, in pain and confused…what is this kind of love.

This kind of love makes you physically feel her pain almost before she
does. It seems.  This kind of love stares at her for what feels like forever…studying the very contours of her baby skin, marvelling at the miracle of tiny toes and the most beautiful smile without teeth. This kinda love leaves me in awe.  Breathless. Afraid. Empowered. Purposed. This kind of love leaves me in shock. I never knew that there was anything that existed as intense as this kind of love.

Kim Kardashian – The badass bitch

No, I am not one of your typical celebrity-crazed person, I don’t care much for celebrity life and actually feel a lot of pity and sadness for them.  Having the spotlight squarely centered on your ass 25/7 (not an error, 25/7 because they seem to be under constant and consistent surveillance almost like magical wild beasts) does not seem very enjoyable; indeed the Wests have had a great deal of experience with the paparazzi’s unfriendly and aggressive obsession with them.

I am not a Kim Kardashian fan. I am a fan of badass bitches who take whatever society throws at them and turn it inside out.  True Amazonian queens who will stand up, come face to face with crippling situations and rise up again, like Kim.  In 2007, one of the many HIP HOP assholes, marauding men who in their childish haze attempt to belittle women, using weapons of shame to cripple them, RAY-J, release a very lame sex tape of him and Kim (that sex tape was beyond lame, unbelievable to think people have sex like that).  The sex tape went viral and Kim Kardashian took that and turned it into a  very successful TV show, modeling career, fashion and beauty line and her title Badass Bitch!  Many women crumble at just the thought of a break-up, not to mention a bad break-up, Kim’s experience would have caused many to be the next feature on Snapped, he would be in a body bag, she would have been a hit anyway…even if she murdered him and ended up on the next exciting reality tv show ‘Celebrity Criminals’.  She did none of those…she grew from the experience, made the strangest coupling with the extra-terrestrial Mr. West have a beautiful daughter, a wedding to talk about for days and something that look so right.

As if holding her head high wasn’t enough, she endured some truly harsh criticisms about her pregnancy body and weight gain, all the while being hounded by the paparazzi. She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and 16 months later is being criticized again for sticking it to ‘them’ with some really hot naked photos. 

That magazine cover gave me the biggest most satisfied laugh, Break the internet because you broke it to a culture of shaming and denigrating.  Kim Kardashian refused to allow her lowest lows being magnified by empty people to cripple her, she didn’t defend, deny or allow her situation to lead her to drug abuse or self-hate, she turned a shaming anal sex home video into a magazine cover with champagne spurting on said now world renown ass.

Lessons learnt:

a) We can and must rise on the wings of the said things that threaten to take us down

b) Don’t respond to negative press, smile and keep it classy, curt and pretty.

c) Nothing sexier than a badass bitch

On the road again

The yellow brick road is up and moving again and this time I am pregnant and i have a whole lot to say about the process that got me here!!!!

From top lesbian to baby mother?  I have endured the undercover chatter and faced the brave ones who asked the serious questions.  Accusations of being a sell-out that led to threats of violence from my hurt former clan, who felt especially betrayed by my choice to date a man.

Fast forward three years later, I gladly rub my tummy amazed at this new stage in my life…am I ready? Absolutley NOT!!!  Am I scared…not really…my life experiences have taught me that I will always be ok.  I will survive and luckily exceed others expectations, happily and sensationally surprising myself.

Ode to this Yellow Brick Road!

I don’t know which is responsible for these curves and turns…is it my affinity to new experiences, is it bravery or is it stupidity! Which ever it is, it would b a lie to say I didn’t enjoy every single moment of it…the highs are majestic and lows could be more devastating if I didn’t have a healthy sense of humour and my lifeline, the one that allows me to believe that everything happens for a purpose.

 

I feel him moving in my tummy…I poke fun at my swollen feet and constantly feel so amazingingly happy and pretty!ImageI never even dreamt of having a child…quite the contrary I had some less than dignified opinions of women who chose to have children, because of what I saw of heterosexual relationships and its by-product being kids, always abandoned by their fathers and left to struggling but strong women to raise on their own.  I thought these women were stupid.  Never wanted to be part of that gang, so when doctors told me ages ago that if I wanted to get pregnant I should hurry…naturally I scoffed…and admittedly laughed a little…Hell noooooo!!!

Suddenly in my 30s, I found myself getting the baby itch…the bug got me.  Not knowing how or even if this would happen…I suppressed it.  I am pregnant now and enjoying every minute of it…the swollen feet fascinate me, the bulging tummy I find super sexy in my outfits and I just want to wiggle each time someone makes a comment about my pregnancy…glad bag bus!

Having a child can be such a stressful event, and if you think that the stress concerns the conception and pregnancy, think again! I can imagine the stress being straight through the toddler, pre-teen, teenage, adult years.  Here I am committing to love another human being whatever he looks or sounds like, whether he is agreeable or a pain in the ass…till death do us part…and even so, we pray it is not death!

Another turn on the yellow brick road…am I ready…hell no I am not by any stretch of the imagination, however like all the turns on the road, I will go at it with all of me, knowing fully well that everything is purposed in my life.  There are no guarantees, and we don’t dictate how things work out for us, our role is to live, be positive and give it our all!

 

 

 

 

THE WHITE BUTTERFLY

21st Century (R)Evolution

Originally written September 1, at 3 p.m.

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Tranquil. That’s how I’d describe the moment. But not a good type of tranquility: it isn’t the kind that simply drowns out the background noise and let’s you get lost in your own thoughts; it’s not the kind that soothes every nerve to the point of ecstasy. This tranquility is almost superficial. It is what is imposed on you by the elements – by circumstance.

It is the dead calm of the day. It is the single and distant bird whistle or squawk. It is the all-too-audible humming of some machine. It is the lonesome white butterfly making its way through the wind, seemingly lost. The sky torments me: the dead, grey lump above me that threatens me with a deluge, but dares not move a muscle. It doesn’t even breathe hard, for the trees don’t dance. A few shake their…

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THAT KINDA LOVE

I don’t profess to be a christian, but I do believe that the bible has some really interesting ways of expressing/looking at certain things.  Ways I believe we could benefit from adopting.  Admittedly some of the pronouncements may seem lofty or even impossible from a human perspective, but I am sure that ‘impossible’ is one of the words inadvertently placed in human language, as far as I can see, nothing is impossible for human beings, perhaps impossible may exist for other life forms, but human….transcend such limitations.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 deal with love, describing in very simple terms what it is and is not.

‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

 

From the looks of it, this love thing is quite dangerous…especially verse 7…it ALWAYS PROTECTS, TRUSTS, HOPES AND PERSEVERES.  That to me is the crazy line.  I have loved and though it took some time for me to admit it to myself, I am in love right now in a way I have never been.  Like with everything I am becoming to understand, our interaction with people and the situations of this life, is really about a deeper interaction with self.  I am in love, but what this love has really taught me is HOW I love, how love empowers me and at times deflowers me.  My experience of love has very little to do with the object of my love.  The object of my love is also human, and if my love depended on them alone, at many times there would be no love, lots of fights and anger etc (the things we are accustomed to seeing at the ‘end’ of love).  I could never ever imagine having those things…the fights and anger.  This kind of love understands and accepts the person I am in love with…fully, so I am able to look beyond the mishaps and the failings.  It is not a self-abusing kind of love,  blindly making excuses for the the other persons shit or taking any crap from them either (the kind of love I was attracted to in the past), this kind of love understands the nature of love and that I must love myself first.

I do not get jealous, nor am I selfish wanting this person all to myself.  I can be open, have conversations that would freak out most people in relationships because at the end of the day I realise that love should be free and it must make both persons happy, most of all ME.